Teh Adventures of Darth and His Uhm
by Hammy Penguin
Summary: Join Darth Vader on his quest to do stuff. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll ask why you wasted your life reading this. Yes, there is more.
1. They recycle horses, don't they?

Chapter the First: They recycle horses, don't they?

The little, fluffy, soft bunny was hopping in the clover patch, feeling the soft grass on his little back. He stopped for a moment and smelled the breeze, the little whiskers on his little nose twitching. He hopped a few more steps and took a bite of the fresh, sweet grass.

And then Vader stepped on him.

"Squish," said bunny's guts.

Vader walked through the / the place. He needed to get some flowers to make bread cause that one really really mean guy said they needed 'flowers' to make bread cause he wanted to make bread.

"Make sure you get flour for the bread so we can take over the world and have something to eat and stuff," said that one really really mean guy in Vader's swirly flashback.

Vader was super excited to make bread. Then he could try out the new toaster that he just installed in his utility pack thing. He loved toast. Especially with lots of syrup. Wait, those were pancakes. But he did like toast. He'd put eggs on toast with lots of relish. Like his mommy made before she was sodomized with cacti until she died of a toe infection. Poor mommy. No more toast.

"Stop daydreaming about stuff, Darth!" said really really mean guy, slapping him with a mitten. "You need to be evil and get flour for the bread, wench."

I heart juice.

Vader hung his head in shame. All he was supposed to do was get some flour to make the evil bread, but he was letting everybody down. Everybody meaning only the really really mean guy. And the bunny.

"Quit letting everyone down, Vader you little shit of magpie thing with maggots and toe infections with a hint of mango. You are a disgrace to evil people. Yup. Stupid. Go get flour. At the store. Not the meadow. Wrong kind of flour. Moron."

Darth looked over and saw a store in the meadow.

"Store!" he said and ran inside. Along the way, he trampled over four more bunnies, eight caribou and fifteen platipi and a stork.

"Ow," they all said simultaneously.

A page!

"Squish said guts."

I would like to buy some flowers, said dArth.

And then he remembered he had to be evil so he stole them. And knocked out the cashier and took a roll of quarters and a book of stamps cuz he had a gross hobby of collecting such things.

And then he took a piece of linoleum.

"Sammy! Noooooooooo!' cried the canadian who saw his dead caribou trampled to death.

"I gots the flowers," said Vader as he presented the tastefully arranged gladiola, carnation, baby's breath, and fern flower… arrangement.

"Still wrong kind of flower, dip. Go have all your extremities cut off and catch on fire."

Vader felt bad cause he couldn't really do that, since he'd already done it once.

And he had indegistion from the Taco Bell he had last night. Plus the pitstop he made to eat clover in that meadow.

"Get flour, moron! If you have to, go to the neighbor's and ask for some. Fruitcake."

Darth decided to be polite and call instead of appearing. He took out the phone from his utility belt and dialed the number for his neighbor who happened to be a three-headed cactus-moose hybrid with blue tentacles that shot puss at its enemies. Her enemies happened to be all who existed.

Darth's neighbor, Virginia, answered the phone by blasting it out of the wall with her laser eyes.

"Hmm. Guess I'll have to go over without warning. And be rude." Decided Darth.

……………………………deh.

Really really mean guy overheard him and threw the phonebook at him, knocking off one of his robot arms. I am robot. "Don't be a pussy, pussy! You just go over there and smash open that door and take that flour. It belongs to you!"

"It does?"

"No. But once you take it, then it will."

"Okay," agreed Vader, picking up his arm as he went to the door.

Vader used his rocket boots to jet over to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door with his robot arm.

"RAAAAAAAAWWWRRRLLLLCH!" said Virginia from inside.

"This is Darth Vader from next door and I was just wondering if I could borrow some flour for my bread."

"…RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRLLLLCCCHHHHH!"

"I meant could I HAVE some because you can't really borrow it."

"BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRSCCCCCCCCCHT!"

"Oh. Okay."

So Darth sulked down the pathway hanging his head low.

"Christmastiiiiiiiiiime is heeeeeeeeeere…" sang a disembodied choir.

Vader hated Christmas. It always reminded him of that one time when that one juice performed phangocytosis on his hotdog. He loved hotdogs. But not quite as much as toast. Toast was the king of all… toastiness and stuff.

On the way back to the house, Vader ripped a whole geranium plant out of the ground to bring back. Maybe this was the type that would work.

Upon his return, really really mean guy demanded if he had gotten the flour.

"I got flower. But not flour," Vader said sadly, holding up the geranium.

"Actually, that will work," said really really mean guy, brushing off the sugar and spice and everything nice from the front of his pink frilly apron. "It adds flavor."

Vader felt mildly good about himself for once. His self esteem went up to negative .8.

"But, since you did something right, that means it was good, and we're supposed to be bad, and by being good you weren't bad and since bad is good you were good by being good and therefore bad, you yak saliva."

Vader's self esteem dropped back to its usual level and he went to pout in his room and reattach his robot arm.

On the way he saw a pinata and beat it with the arm to feel better and ended up getting all the candy out. He rejoiced for a moment and grabbed a handful of the delicious sugar conglomerates and went to stuff them in his mouth.

Then he remembered that he didn't have a mouth. He had a car grill from an 1974 Ford Pinto and a window bug screen for a mouth. So it was good they hadn't made toast cause then he wouldn't have been able to get it through the grill anyway.


	2. Where have all the children gone?

That was quite an impressive amount of reviews for a first chapter. That, mournfully, was not enough to heat the fondue, however, but the addition of the story to Godawful Fan Fiction got it scorching! Anybody can look at the criticism and remarks about the fic on that site from a link in a review. It is VERY entertaining. Some even seem think it's a serious story!

For those who think this fic is enhanced by illegal drugs, you are mistaken. It is merely caffeine. And fondue!

* * *

Chapter the Two: Where have all the children gooone?

Darth was playing pog on his new computer when an advertisement popped up in the middle of the screen.

"Are you alone?" the guy asked him through the screen.

Darth paused and looked around the room, then realized he was indeed alone. He was afraid of the dark and wanted his mommy and teddy bear Tedward Bartholomew II. The first Tedward Bartholomew fell in the toilet and drowned. It was a very traumatic experience from Darth's early thirties.

"Yes," he admitted to the guy in the screen.

"Are you looking for a mate?" the advertisement man questioned.

"No, I'm trying to beat my high score!" he said. He then realized that since he had been paying attention to the ad and not his game, he had sadly lost, only two points away from his high score of three.

"Are you looking for a mate _now_?" asked the man, holding his questioning expression for much longer than was necessary.

"Not really," Vader groused, upset that he had been foiled in his attempts to reach the allusive high score.

"Well you should!"

"Okay," he said.

Darth actually was still mourning the loss of Tedward Bartholomew and was not ready to move--

"You may think that you're not ready to move on, and you're probably right. But you should try anyway, cause then we'll earn money! So come to Come fast before all the good ones are gone and you're stuck with the rejects. Hurry! They're going! Go, you moron, go! Do you want to be single forever!" Then the ad shrunk into a little square and poofed away.

"I do NOT want to be single forever!" Darth snapped and typed into his browser in hopes of finding a mate.

He studied the little questionnaire he had to fill out first.

Name:

Date of birth:

Gender:

Sexuality:

Address:

Height:

Weight:

Cumulative GPA:

Interests:

Turn ons:

Turn offs:

Things you look for in a mate:

Favorite Soup:

Darth hesitated and wondered if he should give out all that information online. Then realized he really needed a mate and decided what the hell.

Name: Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker but not anymore. Preferably Darth. Or DJ.

Date of Birth:

Darth counted on his fingers how old he was, then realized he didn't have enough fingers. He tried to remember the year he was born, but then recalled in The Galaxy Far Far Away they didn't use the same calendar as the people on Earth do. So he just guessed in days.

Date of Birth: A long, long time ago.

Gender:

Darth remembered that during his little showdown with Obi, his arms and legs weren't the only things cut off from his body. But he decided that didn't matter.

Gender: Guy.

Sexuality:

Darth pondered what the question meant.

Sexuality: ponders what the question means

Address: Space.

Darth decided to be a little more specific.

Address: Space, next to the Death Star.

Then he figured that he must have a more specific address when he thought of that time a few years ago when he ordered a pet rock online and was asked to give out his address, but really really mean guy told him he couldn't do that because then people would come looking for them and egg their house and whatnot. So he didn't give out the address and therefore didn't get his pet rock.

He was going to christen it Uni.

Height: Tall, maybe taller than you.

Weight: …110

"Because that's what they ALL put down," Darth thought smugly.

Cumulative GPA:

Vader didn't understand why they would want to know the total of grapefruit, peas, and artichokes he had consumed. It was a silly question and he wasn't going to answer.

Interests: pop tarts, pog, Tedward Bartholomew (both), being evil, killing people, stuff, magpies, packing peanuts, Alaska Airlines, donuts, crocheting, destroying all that is good and nice

Turn ons: the button that turns me on.

Turn offs: Same as above but the other way around.

Things you look for in a mate: pop tarts, pog, Tedward Bartholomew (both), being evil, killing people, stuff, magpies, packing peanuts, Alaska Airlines, donuts, crocheting, destroying all that is good and nice

Favorite soup: cream of mushroom (without mushrooms)

Darth read over all his answers, submitted the questionnaire, and waited for a response from some mates.

Fifteen days later, he was still sitting in front of his computer, waiting for a reply. Really really mean guy had wondered what he was doing, but not very much. Meaning not at all. He hadn't even noticed that Vader had been sitting in front of the computer, and on the one occasion where he had briefly seen into the room on his way to the attic to go perform a voodoo ceremony with hard-boiled eggs, he had merely assumed that Vader had died. That didn't explain why his phone line had been tied up, but he had no friends who would call anyway. So he didn't really care.

Darth hadn't slept in all of the fifteen days nor moved or blinked so his eyes were crusting over and a spider was spinning many a cobweb from his head to his shoulder while a chickidee had built a nest in his grill. Then a message popped up on the screen.

"ME!" Darth squealed, causing all the critters to fly off his body and splat against the wall.

"Squish," said their guts with vigor.

Lemonsgivemegas88: hi! u seem kewl! wanna chat w/ me?

This caught Darth by surprise. He didn't want to chat. He just wanted a mate.

Darthroxmysox1970: NOOOOOOOOOO!111 Go away and chat with someone else! I'm looking for a mate to rule the galaxy with me!

Lemonsgivemegas88: sounds kewl! ill do that

Darthroxmysox1970: …Really?

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: i like milk

Darthroxmysox1970: …How old are you?

Lemonsgivemegas88: 8.

Darthroxmysox1970: Ew. You're young enough to be my grandchild. Is your mom available?

Lemonsgivemegas88: just a sec. MOM! Some1 wants 2 talk 2 u!

Gerberbabyloser2: What?

Darthroxmysox1970: Uhm…wanna be my mate?

Gerberbabyloser2: Are you rich and powerful and sexy?

Darthroxmysox1970: Um. Yes.

Vader figured he had two of the three, and that was over half, so that was close. Or something. Right?

"Squish," said guts.

"I don't care what you think!" Vader yelled at the insolent guts.

Gerberbabyloser2: Okay. I guess I'll meet you in the red room, close the door and dim the lights. Lol just kidding

Darthroxmysox1970: …I don't get it. But I'll meet you at the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café.

Gerberbabyloser2: All right. See you then.

Darthroxmysox1970: The end.

"Yey! I hooked myself up with a hot chick!" Darth exclaimed triumphantly before the potted plant he'd awoken from its slumber devoured him.

Nyeh.

Vader was very excited. He waxed his helmet with a floor buffer and made sure the light bulbs in the many buttons of his utility pack weren't burned out. He also took the bird nest out of the grill and freed the birds into the vast expanse of the open sky, only to have them run into the window because he had forgotten to open it.

"Squish," said guts.

Darth chose a nice clip-on bowtie and checked himself out in the little mirror in the bathroom.

"Lookin' good," he told his reflection.

In response, the mirror shattered.

"Bye, really really mean guy! I'm off for my hot date!" he yelled to the attic.

But really really mean guy was too distracted by his tea party and didn't absorb what he'd just heard.

"Okay, bye. Make good choices. Wear your seatbelt," he muttered after him. He finished pouring the tea and sat back and observed all his lifeless guests who were various stuffed animals including Tedward Bartholomew I, who he'd dug out of the sewage. "Okay," he told them. "Who wants to take their top off?"

Darth pushed his Onstar button and asked if he could get a ride to the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café.

They said no, so he walked.

Since the journey was long and difficult, Vader made himself a hotpocket in the microwave on his utility pack. He smashed the cooked hotpocket into the grill on his helmet, getting tomato sauce and bits of cheese and chunks of 'meat' that were actually what is scrape off the bottom of the grease bins French fries are cooked in all over his helmet.

Finally, he saw the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café come into view.

"Fi--" He was cut off by the Hubble Telescope smashing into him.

After scraping himself off, he entered the café and looked around for a hot babe that went by the name gerberbabyloser2.

"Is there a gerberbabyloser person here?" he mildly whined when he had looked around the room and seen many many many many… many people.

"I'm gerberbabyloser," said a deep voice to his left.

Looking that way, Vader was shocked to find a man twice as tall as him standing there. He opened his mouth in shock, but obviously this didn't show. He was wearing a helmet. Der.

"What do you want?"

"But-" Vader started dumbly. "But- they said "mom"!"

"That's my first name," said the really big dude.

Vader frowned. He was quite displeased.

"I am displeased," he said, and then cut the man in half with his light saber.

Nobody really cared that Vader had done this since the man had been standing in front of the TV with the basketball game on it and they had all been missing the high-paced action.

Pouting, Vader took a seat and ordered himself cocoa with extra chocolate and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top and a chunk of cheese. He also asked for some cream of mushroom soup without the mushrooms.

He was sitting there eating his mushroom-less cream of mushroom soup when ANOTHER voice spoke to him. But this time it was from the right. Not the left. Like it had been with the dude. Who had been to his left.

"Are we there yet?" asked a whining little voice.

"Shut up," said another voice. "Are you Darth Vader?" this voice now asked him.

"Yes."

"Oh, I'm that hot chick you chatted with. You didn't tell me you were black."

Darth looked himself over and replied, "I can't change who I am."

The lady stared back.

"I have to poop," said the little kid at her side.

The lady in response zapped her with her heat ray and the kid exploded into ash.

"You didn't tell me you were a bitch," Darth said in dismay.

"Darth!" yelled another voice from above.

He looked up only to see really really mean guy leap from the ceiling and crush the hot lady with his giant beer belly. "You cannot be dating! You don't have time to court chicks! You have to control the universe! And you're not supposed to have emotions, you emotional pig fart!"

"I'm soary, Mr. Gollum," Darth Vader whined and sulked away with really really mean guy.

"You forgot to pay your check, dipshit!" the bartender yelled after him.

To that, Darth used the force to drop a boulder on the bartender.

"You're on your way kid," really really mean guy told him, patting him on the shoulder. "You're on your way."

And then he shoved him off the balcony.


End file.
